So he said to me,
"I just can't move my feet like you do, Bud."
So I says, "Hammer, please don't make me hurt you.
Now, just watch my feet."
And the rest, shall we say, is...
A lie?
Yes.
Yes, my mouth must be punished.
Kiss me, you minx.
Was it everything I told you it would be?
No.
But it was everything
the other girls told me it would be.
Well, then, let's try my patented gyro-tongue action.
Look...
before I cheapen myself anymore,
are you sure you can get front-row tickets
to the Vanilla Ice concert?
Hey.
Now, I'm the one who showed Ice, Hammer's steps.
Now, play that funky lip music, white girl.
Hey, if I told you punks once,
I told you a thousand times.
Keep your hands off my daughter.
You little ninny.
Oh, I love it when they come back for more.
Oh, hi, son.
Turn on the lights.
What for?
Turn on the lights!
Does that look like Kelly to you?
Does it?!
You mean...
that was you over there, Bundyfying that girl?
All right, son.
Come on over here, now.
Sit back down-- Here.
Put your little arm around her-- There.
Hey, Peg!
Peg, get down here, you gotta see this!
Bring the camera!
I gotta go.
Call me when you get the tickets.
And remember, the closer I get to Ice...
the closer you get to the heat.
Oh! What is it, Al? What is it?
Are Marcie and Jefferson playing nude Jeopardy again?
No, no.
No. More incredible.
Bud had a girl here.
Yeah, right.
Al, I thought we agreed
not to make fun of him to his face.
Now, good night, honey.
And don't worry.
One day, it won't be just a cruel joke.
Does no one in this house see my sex appeal?
I mean, I see it. These people must be crazy.
Well, luckily, I have a girl who loves me now.
Buy the way, Dad,
I need 60 bucks to take her to a concert,
or she's gonna go with someone she finds genuinely attractive.
Daddy? Have I told you how much I loved you?
Oh, no.
How much, Kelly?
A whole lot.
No, I mean, how much money do you want?
That's what I was talking about:
a whole lot.
Daddy, I need this money so bad.
Our modeling school's going on this really important field trip
to the old models home...
to visit...Renee.
She was the first model who only had one name.
I mean, since Renee, models from Iman to Cheryl Tiegs
have had only one name.
Forget it, Kel.
Dad works hard for his money,
and I say we use it only for necessities.
He's gonna give it to me so I can get me some,
aren't you, Dad?
Yep, both my kids have legitimate requests,
so, uh, maybe I shall solve this
as the oh-so-wise Solomon would.
I shall keep my money
and go to the nudie bar tomorrow.
So it shall be written, so it shall be danced.
Part the seas of uselessness.
I must go sleep with the red plague.
Well, maybe for a penny.
Get out of here, you old rag.
Oh.
What's wrong with everyone, huh?
I mean, surely a quarter's not too much to ask
to rub your hands over all this.
Yeah, it's a real bargain.
You and I are a lot alike, boy.
No.
I've had sex.
And at least I have the decency to die at 13.
I wonder how Kelly's doing
on her new roller-skating waitress job.
Help me!
Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!
Open the door, Bud! Hurry!
Thank you.
But a trifle late.
Help me down the steps, Sneezy.
Dumb, stupid, rotten job.
Roller-skating waitress at Bill's Hilltop Drive-In.
This is what I spent all those years
learning my ABD's for?
How much money did you make, Kel?
Nothing.
This is my first order.
Stupid people put their stupid restaurant
on a stupid hill.
So these people order burgers and fries,
and then they load me into this chute,
fire me towards the car.
And I'm doing fine.
I'm also doing warp 10 zooming down the expressway
"It's a bird. It's a plane.
No, it's a girl going 90 with a dress over her head."
You know, if mom hadn't made me stop
kissing for money when I was 5,
I wouldn't be in this pickle of a fish.
So...how'd you do?
Well, you know, I haven't actually started yet.
Let me save you a lot of grief.
Don't try the oil-me-up- for-a-quarter bit,
because you can feel the Chihuahua
down the block for free.
Bud, I just can't miss this bus trip.
I mean, if I do, I'll fall behind the other models.
I'm already failing Smiling 101.
Oh, my God. Now I've done it.
My brain's beating faster. Help me.
Easy now, Breakfast of Champions.
Now, listen... from here on in,
I'll do the thinking for the both of us,
and you do the working for the both of us.
And we'll split it 30-70.
Wait a second, wait a second.
I'm doing all the work, right?
So it's 30 for me.
Okay.
Oh, God, I just love going to the mall.
And did you see how I controlled myself?
I couldn't be more proud of you if you were dead.
You know, Peg,
the least you could have done was stand next to me in line
when they shredded my credit cards.
Well, it wasn't my stuff that put us over the limit.
It was that thing you just had to have.
your Hanes underwear sewing kit.
So, what do you want to do tonight?
Same thing the Rockefellers do:
sew my underwear up and cry.
Come on, honey.
I wanna go out.
Peg, I just spent three hours in your presence.
I watched you buy lingerie
that I wouldn't sleep next to even if you weren't in them.
So I don't want another chalkboard screech out of you.
Al!
Honey, I wanna go out tonight.
Hi.
You know, in this day and age,
I don't know why you leave your door open.
A maniac could just walk in and kill you.
Yeah, like I ever get what I want.
Yeah, Al, uh, we'd kind of like to rent a video tonight,
pop it on the old VCR,
and spend a nice night at home.
What are you telling me for?
That's our VCR.
Yes, I guess about a month ago,
when you came over to borrow a soda,
and we said, "Take whatever you want,"
you might have misunderstood.
Which brings me to our flatware.
Hey, I didn't steal your bra.
Easy, Marcie.
Al, I know what let's do.
Let's go over to their house and watch videos.
Marcie, that's a great idea.
You'll bring the food and the movies,
and we'll bring your VCR.
Absolutely not.
Dad, I just got Kelly a babysitting gig,
so tonight you have to stay up in the bedroom with Mom.
Oh, Al...
We can break in my new lingerie.
I know.
I'll wear the mood panties.
Hey!
Let's do it! Let's go!
Last one to your house gets to sit next to the wife.
Come on.
Babysitting.
God, the degradation.
You know, the last time I babysat,
it was for this stupid little boy.
I got so sick of his whining
that I held him over the toilet and I kept on flushing it...
telling him that the next time, he'd be in it.
From then on, every time he heard running water,
he freaked.
Too bad, I just can't remember who that kid was though.
Oh, well.
I'm sure he's gotten over it by now.
That must be the client now.
Just can't figure it out, though.
Why would people pay $120 just to babysit one kid?
I didn't say one kid, Kel.
I said one family.
Which family?
The Hubbards.
Kel, I got the money, and I'm off to the concert.
Bud, don't leave me!
I'm your sister!
What means more to you:
your sister or some little tramp?
So...are we gonna be good little boys and girls?
Destroy! Kill!
Hate.
I went wee-wee.
Help!
Okay, now, here are our choices:
Anna Karenina,
Beaches,
Madame Sousatzka,
or the one that was already in the VCR,
Breast Monsters From Jupiter.
Well, I've already seen Breast Monsters,
but I'll go around again.
I won't spoil the ending for you,
but it involves breasts.
Oh, well, I'm game if the ladies don't mind.
Or we could watch that one second.
No, let's watch that Beaches one.
I wouldn't mind seeing a couple of college babes
in string bikinis.
Actually...
a complex tale about the enduring friendship
of two women over a period of 18 years.
Two girls swapping tans on a beach for 18 years?
Pop it in.
You know, we can watch it until they hit 30.
Then we watch Breast Monsters From Jupiter.
Oh, relax, Al.
You haven't even learned how to capture breasts
on this planet yet.
He loves them, you know...
but he doesn't know how to handle them.
You know, sometimes at night,
he'll grab my knee,
squeeze it, heh,
and say, "Go on, say it.
Who's the king, baby? Who's the king?"
Sometimes I laugh so hard, I lose my place in my book.
Well, i-- In my defense,
uh, these days, most things on her
orbit around her knees.
Shall we movie?
Honk, honk. Oh!
You love it, baby.
"'Honk, honk,' said the goss..."
"Goose."
Oh.
"Goose, as she swims to find..."
"A."
"...a worm for dinner"?
Very good.
"Quickie she flopped her winds..."
Oh, God.
Look...let me capsize the story for you.
When the goose got where it was going,
she met this really cool blonde goose...
who only had one name:
Kelly.
Cool, huh? Huh.
Anyway, she was a model.
Everybody thought that she was dumb,
but she wasn't.
Anyway... she was so beautiful
that all the boys in Fairyland wanted her.
You know, like Prince Charming and...
the guy with the pies and the sheep...
the guy shaped like an egg...
Dopey and Zeppo...
Curly and Moe,
and the other dwarfs, et cetera.
But instead of going to the fairy dance,
she had to babysit
a bunch of troll-like snot monsters, who...
if one of them squirts me with that gun,
will die a horrible, screaming death,
along with his demon-seed brother and sister Hubbards,
at the hands of the mighty dragon-beast Buck,
who hasn't eaten for a thousand years.
The end.
So...what have we learned from all this?
You die at dawn.
Isn't this a good movie?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's great.
Why did I marry?
All I ever really wanted to do
was play racquetball with the guys,
maybe ride a motorcycle across country,
go to California and become a porno star.
Ah...
But this is almost as much fun.
What a life.
Is this it?
Is this the end?
Did it happen last night, and no one told me?
Gads.
It's Saturday night.
I should be out on the town, dressed in leopard,
purring like a kitten in Karl "The Mailman" Malone's lap.
Ah, but this is almost as much fun.
Hey! Peg would wanna see this.
I know what
Marcie has the smallest breasts in the room.
Well, I'm happy about it. Happy, I tell you.
They are perfectly symmetrical for my frame.
And I'm happy about it. Happy, I tell you.
Besides, I'm smart.
I have a big brain.
That's what men really want.
Milk Dud?
Tootsie Roll.
How long is this movie, an eon?
There isn't a woman under 50 in this film.
About now on Jupiter,
the breast gladiators would be dueling with the liquid cheese.
But, gee, then I'd be missing out on all this human feeling.
God, what happened to me?
When I was young, I would have beat the hell out of him
and made his wife hold my jacket.
And here I am hanging out with them.
God, I was great when I was a kid.
A football hero.
Young, strong, fast, indestructible.
* Memories *
* Of the world I left behind *
* Misty, water-colored Memories *
* Of the way we were *
* Shattered pictures *
* Of the smiles I left behind *
* Smiles we gave To one another *
* For the way we were *
* Can it be that it was All so simple then? *
* Or has time Rewritten every line? *
* If we had the chance To do it all again *
* Tell me, would we? *
* Could we? *
* Memories *
* May be beautiful And yet *
* What's too painful To remember *
* We simply choose To forget *
* So it's the laughter *
* We will remember *
* Whenever we remember *
* The way we were *
Hi, Kel.
The greatest thing.
I got her front row.
I got her backstage.
I got her.
I was so cool!
Could you untie me, please?
Well, I'm not sure.
Would you be mad if I said I spent your share of the money
on my date?
I'd kill you.
Well, then...
I'll see you in the morning.
If you need me, I'll be upstairs.
The bad thing do make you sleepy.
Oh, god.